Write now I just don't feel it.
I rather be dead.

I know sounds horrible right?
Don't worry, I am  not going to kill myself.

Just a lot of growing, a lot of stretching, a lot of attacks, a lot of non stop of a breaking heart, a lot of tears, a lot of just holding on, a lot of waiting and the waiting seems to be forever and the promises never going to happen, the answers never going to be told.

The pain of just waiting and the breaking heart that comes with it. The non stop of the hammer at my already fragile heart.
And if what is going on is just going to make me stronger and prepare me for the next "season"/"trial" - then all I know it is about to get even worse.

I know that it is worth it though, He will never fail me, that He loves me so much and that He is always with us but right now it is so hard to believe it but I am holding on to those truths for dear life cause I know it is what is keeping me alive in the flood that is rushing through my life.

Loneliness sinks in all the time, I feel so alone in life. I am so desperate for Jesus to come into my room and just hold me tightly and let me cry it all out on His shoulders.
To hear from His mouth what He thinks of me, to hear from His mouth truth, to hear from His mouth that He loves me, to hear from His mouth that everything is going to be okay, that He has is it all figure out. I am so desperate for Jesus and His touch. I am so desperate to see my Savior. I am so desperate to see my Refuge.

I do not think I can keep going on more right now. I want to stop and runaway from everything. I want it all to end. I want it to stop. I want life to stop. I just want everything to stop. No noise. No movement. No distractions.
I am going insane in my own mind.

I need Jesus to come to me and lift me up from the ground, I need to hear His voice. I need to feel His touch.