Write now I just don't feel it.
I rather be dead.

I know sounds horrible right?
Don't worry, I am  not going to kill myself.

Just a lot of growing, a lot of stretching, a lot of attacks, a lot of non stop of a breaking heart, a lot of tears, a lot of just holding on, a lot of waiting and the waiting seems to be forever and the promises never going to happen, the answers never going to be told.

The pain of just waiting and the breaking heart that comes with it. The non stop of the hammer at my already fragile heart.
And if what is going on is just going to make me stronger and prepare me for the next "season"/"trial" - then all I know it is about to get even worse.

I know that it is worth it though, He will never fail me, that He loves me so much and that He is always with us but right now it is so hard to believe it but I am holding on to those truths for dear life cause I know it is what is keeping me alive in the flood that is rushing through my life.

Loneliness sinks in all the time, I feel so alone in life. I am so desperate for Jesus to come into my room and just hold me tightly and let me cry it all out on His shoulders.
To hear from His mouth what He thinks of me, to hear from His mouth truth, to hear from His mouth that He loves me, to hear from His mouth that everything is going to be okay, that He has is it all figure out. I am so desperate for Jesus and His touch. I am so desperate to see my Savior. I am so desperate to see my Refuge.

I do not think I can keep going on more right now. I want to stop and runaway from everything. I want it all to end. I want it to stop. I want life to stop. I just want everything to stop. No noise. No movement. No distractions.
I am going insane in my own mind.

I need Jesus to come to me and lift me up from the ground, I need to hear His voice. I need to feel His touch.

Trustful

School has started.
I have been to every class I am to take this semester.
In every class it seems like God has given me one girl I am to talk to and befriend.
To grow a relationship with and to bring them down the path to Jesus.
Each one is sweet and nice, they are all different, very different.
As I sit here and realize that, fear is entering and the lie "Am I worthy enough" is speaking.
It is not a lie actually - it is true. I am not worthy ever, because I am a screw up,  but God has chosen me to do this mission.
I have a yes in my heart and I am the perfect one for this mission and I take it with my heart and soul.

I still haven't bought my books and it seems like I won't be able to because the money isn't there. Still from what I know some of the books are in the library. So guess where I will be majority of the time? Library reading for the subject.
The money isn't even there to finish paying of the tuition that I own in two weeks.
I trust in the Lord though. I lay it down at His feet. He has called me to this school, called me to this subject.
He knows all I need.
He knew that Financial aid wouldn't give me enough, He knew what living with roommates would consist of. He knew what I would have to add extra bills into my list.
He knew I would have more mouths to feed - not only roommates but also my dinner with the girls, making more cookies for a bigger bsm this semester.
He knew this semester would be different and call for so much more.
So I trust in Him.

I trust Him in my sicknesses.
My whatever I have right now that is making me cough and feel weak.
My Ganglion cyst that is on my right hand, which is causing more pain since it is my main hand.
My tailbone, that is still bruised since I fell on it a month ago in Ireland.
The dizzy spells I randomly get once a day.
I know that He knows this is all going on and He sees it. I know He is here giving me strength to keep going, keep walking, to keep writing and to keep serving.

I trust Him with my heart.
He knew how much all of this would take.
To mentor the girls.
To talk to the new friends I am making.
To give everything I have to those I am living life with.
My heart in the area of wanting marriage, in the waiting.
My heart for wanting to be back in Ireland.
My heart for those that are hurting, in pain, and sick.
My heart to become more sensitive.
My heart in the art of breaking that will most likely be happening this semester.
He will guard it, He will make a bigger one, He will be so gentle with it.

He is never going to fail me.
He is so good.
He is an amazing Father.
He is a mighty King.
He is an awesome God.

Family

I came back.
being back is like being where I belong.
I ran from the people I love, people who love me.
What have I been missing the pass few weeks as I been running away?
The different people, the different personalities and we still make a shining body of Christ.
As I sit here listening to them sing, I never heard this beautiful sound. It is beautiful to hear everyone sing together, all to one amazing God.
We all have one purpose this year and that is to go after people for the Kingdom of God.
To harvest the ground that has been moaning.
To bring a salvation to this campus that has been crying out for.
To bring the God who is mighty to save.
Each one of us has a position on campus that could change this campus.
God has given this group favor and a yes.
He is so good. He is so beautiful.
He is so worthy to worship.
I am so blessed to call these people my family.
I am so blessed and so lucky to get to run with this body .
They truly amazing.

I am so weak. I am so lost. I am so confused. I am so scared.

I been so cold and clinging on to my flesh and my own strength.

I been running, but running in place. Not facing the direction of the path God has set before me.

I will not run back because I know there is no life where I came from. 

I know ahead of me is joy, life and truth.

I know though that to get more and more of these things, more and more revelation of who God is I must walk this path and that this path will have attacks (cause the enemy is out to get me), I know there will be tears, I know there will be pain, I know I must carry my cross.

Am I worthy enough to do what He has called me to do?

To mentor these girls? More girls then what I had last year.

Am I really that worthy? Why did He call me? How can He trust me? I am a mess myself.

How does He call me to do this? What did He see in me?

Ha...God is funny. I am listening to Mumford & Sons for the first time and the song that is playing as I wrote was The Cave. It really hit the spot. 

Not only am I dealing with the fear of the girls I am to mentor, but just everything else.

Money, quitting a job that provided a lot and choosing to work at school where I barely, more likely will not make a enough.

I dont even have money in my bank  account right now... I don't have enough money to finish paying of tuition for this semester. I don't even have money for school books.

How am I going to pay the other bills?

I struggle trusting the Lord will provide even though I know He does, cause He always does.

My grades, am I going to be able to pull them back up and make my GPA high enough to get into grad school? The fear and to do list to get ready to graduate with my bachelors.

My heart for a certain guy. It is so confused and broken at the same time. I know it is just a guy. But I invested so much in this guy as a friend, but since the day I first met him I heard "I could marry him" and ever since then we have became real good friends and it has confirmed what I first heard that one cloudy Saturday morning in September. I have begged God to take these feelings away. I have cried over loving him. Even when He was falling I loved him. I saw who He was and what He was created to be. My heart desires him still and it hurts cause I know it will never become nothing ever more, just friends.

Not only did my best friend leave to Virginia and my other become a teacher. Another dear best friend of mine has brain cancer and has till January to live. My heart breaks even more because she is so precious and doesn't deserve to die but she is ready to go home with out Father. I am jealous of her. But still, to know that I might be going to a funeral soon and not seeing her anymore, no hugging her anymore and hearing her sweet voice. 

To know my daddy is so sick still, that his diabetes are winning over him and that He doesn't know Jesus the right way and doesn't want too.

The fear of losing Him, when He never stops and keeps going.

I live with a fear of getting a phone call one day about my father. 

There is so much fear in me. I know, I know I must lay it before the Lord. I do, I do. But then I pick it right back up.

I am falling apart inside. I am holding these fears and my pieces that have fallen and it keeps falling again cause my arms are so overflown. 

Ireland- A People Forgotten

I miss those kids.
I miss the stress that came with them.
I miss the chaos in that building.
I miss the hugs.
I miss their questions that bombarded me constantly.
I miss their hunger
I miss DCM (Deco's)
I miss the games.
I miss their accents.
I miss the lack of personal space
I miss them so much, I miss that city.
I cry for them.

Dublin, Ireland- a people forgotten is the best way I can describe it.
It is a place of beauty from above. As you are flying in you see a green that you never see here in the States.
As you walk the streets of Dublin their is beauty everywhere, the people are so sweet.
You feel the darkness though, you feel the chains that are on this nation.
So oppressed. So heavy. The chains so thick and heavy. Their streets so lonely (even with tons of people walking them). Walking zombies
The Identity of the nation consuming the people of Ireland.
Their history consuming their future.
Poverty taking over.
A people who have no hope, a people who have no freedom, a people with no true joy.
They are totally consumed by alcohol, their history - their religion (even their language), their false identity.
Alcohol consumes their streets like a rushing river (pub after pub line up by each other) that takes down everyone in their path filling them with false joy and lies. It destroys any structure that is trying to be placed.
Religion has killed these people, killed their country- separated them from the truth of why they were created and who they were created for.
A place where there are rarely any Christians and the few so hard to find.
A place where Atheist and agnostic is the majority of the people.
A country that is dying slowly, horribly and painfully... They need Jesus.

The rain that falls constantly (almost daily) is as if the Lord opens up the Heavens to water that nation. To grow the seeds that are planted in the few. To rain down His love, mercy and grace on them. To remind them of who He is.
To water a very dry and thirsty people.
The rainbows I kept seeing constantly after the pouring rain - showing His promise for them.
The safety of Ireland - no thunderstorms, no hurricanes, no tornadoes, no animals that can kill, no earthquakes.

Dublin Christian Mission
A beautiful place, such a beautiful place, an amazing place. A place of freedom.
Even in the chaos inside their doors God's voice is louder.
He is their speaking each person's name - beckoning each kid and parent to Him.
His voice is louder than the worldly things that try to consume each kid and parent.
His song over them is so loud it brings them back to DCM daily.
They hear His sweet voice that raps around them as a safe warm blanket.
In the chaos of their daily life He is there and louder.
This place- this home to many of those kids and even to the parents- is a place that WILL change Ireland.
The fire their is going to consume the alcohol and kill Religion.
It is a place of freedom, a place of identity, truth, hope and Joy,
DCM is place of love.

Two of the main people DeClan and Liesel do an amazing job with the mission. Their lives are dedicated to those kids, to those parents, to that city. I never seen two people so in love with Jesus who devote their whole lives to the people of that city.
In the Chaos they are the most patient and sweetest people you will ever meet. Their smile shines the light and warmth of God.
Their eyes looks past each person and sees what God sees in each one of them - even the volunteers that come to DCM.
Their hearts break for each person that steps into DCM.
They take every kid as their own- loving them and teaching them.
They see past what the eyes can see physically.
They see what God wants to make Dublin and the country of Ireland to become.
I never seen two people so dedicated. They let themselves be so stretched without one word of complaint.
I honor them and am so thankful for them. That the Lord called those two be the missionaries to change the city of Dublin.

I desire to be back there.
I really do miss it. I really miss those kids.
I desire to go back in December, in the summer and then two years from now going to grad school their and working with the kids of DCM. Making Ireland my home.
Something about that place- Dublin and DCM- beckons me back.
Being back does not feel like home. I know it is has been only a few days but still my heart is broken and sadden. I am homesick.
I really never missed a place and kids as much as I miss them.
I been crying to the Lord to reveal His will for me- His plan for my life.
I never wanted to come back.

I really miss that place called Home.





A band called Rend Collective Experiment, who are actually from Ireland, wrote a beautiful song that is a cry for Ireland. As I remember the streets of Ireland, the people I encountered, the kids and parents I spoke to this songs becomes even more and more meaningful.

Come set Your rule and reign

In our hearts again

Increase in us we pray

Unveil why we're made

Come set our hearts ablaze with hope

Like wildfire in our very souls

Holy Spirit come invade us now

We are Your Church

We need Your power

In us

We seek Your kingdom first

We hunger and we thirst

Refuse to waste our lives

For You're our joy and prize

To see the captive hearts released

The hurt; the sick; the poor at peace

We lay down our lives for Heaven's cause

We are Your church

We pray revive

This Earth

Build Your kingdom here

Let the darkness fear

Show Your mighty hand

Heal our streets and land

Set Your church on fire

Win this nation back

Change the atmosphere

Build Your kingdom here

We pray

Unleash Your kingdom's power

Reaching the near and far

No force of hell can stop

Your beauty changing hearts

You made us for much more than this

Awake the kingdom seed in us

Fill us with the strength and love of Christ

We are Your church

We are the hope

On Earth

I heard this song at church today and all I could think about was DCM and pray this over them.

With a bending of the knee 

And a bowing of the heart 

O Lord, we humble ourselves and pray, 

"Don't pass us by." 

We have gathered here 

With reverence and fear 

O Lord, we humble ourselves and say, 

"This is our heart-cry." 

Lord, we pray 

That Your name will be glorified 

In this town 

Your renown will be magnified 

Let this place 

Be a house of deliverance 

For Your name 

O Lord, we pray 

For Your power to be shown 

And Your presence to be known 

Holy Spirit, have Your way. 

Have Your way... 

Lord, we pray 

That Your name will be glorified 

In this town 

Your renown will be magnified

Let this place 

Be a house of deliverance 

For Your name 

O Lord, we pray

Consistent
I know for sure He is that...
This past 4 and half years I been walking with Him.

I know at the end of this season there will be amazing things, God will provide the friends I desire and need - however they will not replace the experiences, the memories, my best friends brought.

I know this change will bring so much Glory to the Kingdom.
I know this change will be a testimony of who Jesus is.
I know this change will be for our growing and pruning.

"If He goes to the left then we'll go to the left
And if He goes to the right then we'll go to the right
We're going to jump jump jump jump in the river
Jump jump jump jump, everybody

If He goes to the left then we'll go to the left
And if He goes to the right then we'll go to the right
We're going to dance dance, dance dance in the river
Dance dance, dance dance, everybody

If He goes to the left then we'll go to the left
And if He goes to the right then we'll go to the right
We're going to shout shout shout shout in the river
Shout shout shout shout in the river, everybody"

I know that this change is for His will. 

I know that His will always bring joy,

Always brings gifts

Always brings experiences

Always brings revelations

Always brings heaven

Always brings His Glory

Always brings more people to His kingdom

I know we are to follow and I will.

I will let His will be done because I know He will be faithful to my heart

He is always faithful.

Peace

Change...
So much has and is happening, in such a little time- it all came at once as a surprise- well some of it.

I had a best friend who I was walking with about a year now and talking life,who just stop talking to me. Abandoning me when they told me I could not leave our relationship and could not afford loosing me. Now I am here one less best friend, one less brother, one more part of my breaking heart.

Another best friend - God is calling to go back home. I have known a little while that she would be leaving but to know it is actually happening now. A best friend, A sister, A person who has changed me. I will miss her a lot. We constantly hang out together, constantly speak, now I am loosing that....
Another part of my breaking heart.

Another best friend she is staying here and not leaving but she is walking into the real world. She will not be here on campus any longer. She won't live down the road to me anymore. I will see less of her and won't get to speak to her as much. Another part of my breaking heart.

These three people are around my age that I love to be with, loved to talk Jesus with. They are my sisters and brother.

Then there is Panera- yes i am happy that i am leaving it. Still they are family to me. I have walked and did life with them for 20 months. They put up with me, I put up with them, we had our fights, our laughter, and much more. To know that this was my last breadbash, to know that i have 2 more days there, to know I won't see my regulars anymore. The sorrow. Another part of my breaking heart.

I am also moving from a one bedroom to a 4 bedroom. Moving in with 3 other ladies. The fear in that for me. Never lived really with other people except my parents. I am fearful of everything that comes along with that.

I can not stop crying. The tears, the sorrows, the loneliness, the pain, the fear. I know there are people out their who are having it worse than me right now but I still can not stop crying and being in pain. I feel so lonely in all of this.

However, I still know God is good in all of this. I know that He is going to have an amazing surprise at the end of this season of Change. That when I come back from my Ireland mission trip, a new season will start that will restore everything that is happening right now.

In this I have peace through it all though- yes even though fear creeps in. God's truth is so much stronger than the lies the enemy speaks to me.
He is the peace I need, letting me know He got's this.
To know in this chaos I know He is wrapping around me.
To know that He only does good.
That change is good.
That His peace consumes everything.
His eyes are fire that as I keep my eyes fixed on His - He consumes everything.
HE IS PEACE.
He will be faithful to my heart