Consistent
I know for sure He is that...
This past 4 and half years I been walking with Him.

I know at the end of this season there will be amazing things, God will provide the friends I desire and need - however they will not replace the experiences, the memories, my best friends brought.

I know this change will bring so much Glory to the Kingdom.
I know this change will be a testimony of who Jesus is.
I know this change will be for our growing and pruning.

"If He goes to the left then we'll go to the left
And if He goes to the right then we'll go to the right
We're going to jump jump jump jump in the river
Jump jump jump jump, everybody

If He goes to the left then we'll go to the left
And if He goes to the right then we'll go to the right
We're going to dance dance, dance dance in the river
Dance dance, dance dance, everybody

If He goes to the left then we'll go to the left
And if He goes to the right then we'll go to the right
We're going to shout shout shout shout in the river
Shout shout shout shout in the river, everybody"

I know that this change is for His will. 

I know that His will always bring joy,

Always brings gifts

Always brings experiences

Always brings revelations

Always brings heaven

Always brings His Glory

Always brings more people to His kingdom

I know we are to follow and I will.

I will let His will be done because I know He will be faithful to my heart

He is always faithful.

Peace

Change...
So much has and is happening, in such a little time- it all came at once as a surprise- well some of it.

I had a best friend who I was walking with about a year now and talking life,who just stop talking to me. Abandoning me when they told me I could not leave our relationship and could not afford loosing me. Now I am here one less best friend, one less brother, one more part of my breaking heart.

Another best friend - God is calling to go back home. I have known a little while that she would be leaving but to know it is actually happening now. A best friend, A sister, A person who has changed me. I will miss her a lot. We constantly hang out together, constantly speak, now I am loosing that....
Another part of my breaking heart.

Another best friend she is staying here and not leaving but she is walking into the real world. She will not be here on campus any longer. She won't live down the road to me anymore. I will see less of her and won't get to speak to her as much. Another part of my breaking heart.

These three people are around my age that I love to be with, loved to talk Jesus with. They are my sisters and brother.

Then there is Panera- yes i am happy that i am leaving it. Still they are family to me. I have walked and did life with them for 20 months. They put up with me, I put up with them, we had our fights, our laughter, and much more. To know that this was my last breadbash, to know that i have 2 more days there, to know I won't see my regulars anymore. The sorrow. Another part of my breaking heart.

I am also moving from a one bedroom to a 4 bedroom. Moving in with 3 other ladies. The fear in that for me. Never lived really with other people except my parents. I am fearful of everything that comes along with that.

I can not stop crying. The tears, the sorrows, the loneliness, the pain, the fear. I know there are people out their who are having it worse than me right now but I still can not stop crying and being in pain. I feel so lonely in all of this.

However, I still know God is good in all of this. I know that He is going to have an amazing surprise at the end of this season of Change. That when I come back from my Ireland mission trip, a new season will start that will restore everything that is happening right now.

In this I have peace through it all though- yes even though fear creeps in. God's truth is so much stronger than the lies the enemy speaks to me.
He is the peace I need, letting me know He got's this.
To know in this chaos I know He is wrapping around me.
To know that He only does good.
That change is good.
That His peace consumes everything.
His eyes are fire that as I keep my eyes fixed on His - He consumes everything.
HE IS PEACE.
He will be faithful to my heart

So I was on the Dart train with a group of friends from school on Tuesday - we were headed back home from downtown.
I am the type of person who loves to watch people, their moves, their facial expressions, their body language and pray for them.

I was already sensitive because 1) I was tired 2) I encountered a lot of homeless in downtown 3)so many people in pain.
But their on the train this lady sat beside me and then put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if this train is going to downtown. I replied "No ma'am, this is headed north the opposite direction".
He started laughing but the type where you just want to cry from a long day.
I asked her if it was a long day and she nodded and I told her I am so sorry and I hope it goes well and gave her a pat on her shoulder- she got off the next stop to get on the other train.
Then this guy comes on and it seems to have all his clothes and shoes in 3 gym bags.
His face, he looked so sad, so broken, scared, alone, in a need of a hug.
That just tore me apart. I wanted to go to him, to hug him, to pray over him - but I couldn't get myself to do it. I am a coward.

Just from that whole day, all the people around me who's souls are screaming for a savior, a healer, a friend, a lover, for Jesus. And I can not get the courage to be the person to go and bring them Jesus!
My heart is for people but I just can't do it! I break inside because I can see it all over them!
The pain of just watching people walk around me who are zombies. Dead but breathing.
WHY CAN'T WE BE A GENERATION THAT JUST TELLS EVERYONE THE GOODNEWS?!
NO FEAR OF MEN!
BUT JUST A CONSUMING LOVE FOR MEN!

It is hard to be like that when I am surrounded by people who don't live a life of just wanting to pray and love on people - like those at my church- I use to do it when I was them.
Now being in this group- it had fled, I have been consumed of fear of men, their thoughts, their judgments, their reaction.
That shouldn't be important to me- Jesus is more important.
He told me to tell the goodness- I need to do just that.

I pray for boldness, for courage, for  a consuming fire.
If I have to be - to be the first one to do it and to live it.
I want the world to see who Jesus is A SAVIOR.

So it has been a while since I wrote this is from a while ago maybe 3 weeks ago.

Have you ever just had those moments in your walk with Christ that you are literally feel you can not go any longer, the lies of the enemy consuming you, taking over your breathing, your thoughts and just the truth you hold on to.
Yeah I have those days about once a year, well hit mine already.
By that Sunday evening, I was so heavy, so much on my heart, in my mind, my soul was breaking.
As I was falling asleep, exhausted from a day of working, the lies started consuming.
The ideas that the enemy was putting in my head- which I was agreeing with.
I was saying yes to just forgetting this walk, to going out with my new coworkers- party and drink. Have some fun- even if it led to sex. I would just go "live life".
I heard the enemy telling me if I say yes, He will give me right away a guy.
He would make life fun and easier.
I was falling and saying yes very quickly.
I fell asleep.

Woke up the next morning at 5am to get ready to go to prayer- I know to go to prayer after what happened the night before?
But something was telling me get up - go get ready and drive the drive to church- SO I DID.
I sat there the whole time, I couldn't pray or talk, I felt so heavy, scared, lonely, torn, horrible.
10 mins before the end of the elders who I really love and admire looked at me and asked "Mary what is on your mind?"
I told the group that was there - about 6 or 7 people- what happened the night before, where I am in my walk, and how I am feeling.
They sat me in the middle and just started praying over me.
Prophecy after prophecy came pouring out of their mouth- truth of what I needed to hear, God telling me my heart, telling me my identity, the promises he has promised me- just everything I needed.
Isn't it just amazing? God is so beautiful and so amazing! How could I ever contemplate saying no to Him and turning to the world?

Well He kept showing His love toward me after prayer. I went to plano to go to the thrift store to find old wood frames. It was closes for another 15 mins and so I drove to the neighborhood streets.
The night before I was really desiring wood- so I could do my arts and crafts.
Well as I drive up to a stop sign in the neighborhood I hear "look to your right". I did AND THERE IT WAS WOOD!!! I turned in to grab it put it in my trunk, drove a few houses down and there was more! Then drove down a few more and THERE WAS MORE!
I HAD A COUPLE OF HUNDRED DOLLARS IN WOOD!

HE IS SO GOOD TO HIS CHILDREN! SO GOOD TO US!
SUCH AN AMAZING FATHER!
SUCH AN AMAZING PROVIDER!
Love, joy, wood, and ideas!

OH MAN HE IS JEHOVAH JIREH
PROVIDER!!!

AMAZING!