I am so weak. I am so lost. I am so confused. I am so scared.

I been so cold and clinging on to my flesh and my own strength.

I been running, but running in place. Not facing the direction of the path God has set before me.

I will not run back because I know there is no life where I came from. 

I know ahead of me is joy, life and truth.

I know though that to get more and more of these things, more and more revelation of who God is I must walk this path and that this path will have attacks (cause the enemy is out to get me), I know there will be tears, I know there will be pain, I know I must carry my cross.

Am I worthy enough to do what He has called me to do?

To mentor these girls? More girls then what I had last year.

Am I really that worthy? Why did He call me? How can He trust me? I am a mess myself.

How does He call me to do this? What did He see in me?

Ha...God is funny. I am listening to Mumford & Sons for the first time and the song that is playing as I wrote was The Cave. It really hit the spot. 

Not only am I dealing with the fear of the girls I am to mentor, but just everything else.

Money, quitting a job that provided a lot and choosing to work at school where I barely, more likely will not make a enough.

I dont even have money in my bank  account right now... I don't have enough money to finish paying of tuition for this semester. I don't even have money for school books.

How am I going to pay the other bills?

I struggle trusting the Lord will provide even though I know He does, cause He always does.

My grades, am I going to be able to pull them back up and make my GPA high enough to get into grad school? The fear and to do list to get ready to graduate with my bachelors.

My heart for a certain guy. It is so confused and broken at the same time. I know it is just a guy. But I invested so much in this guy as a friend, but since the day I first met him I heard "I could marry him" and ever since then we have became real good friends and it has confirmed what I first heard that one cloudy Saturday morning in September. I have begged God to take these feelings away. I have cried over loving him. Even when He was falling I loved him. I saw who He was and what He was created to be. My heart desires him still and it hurts cause I know it will never become nothing ever more, just friends.

Not only did my best friend leave to Virginia and my other become a teacher. Another dear best friend of mine has brain cancer and has till January to live. My heart breaks even more because she is so precious and doesn't deserve to die but she is ready to go home with out Father. I am jealous of her. But still, to know that I might be going to a funeral soon and not seeing her anymore, no hugging her anymore and hearing her sweet voice. 

To know my daddy is so sick still, that his diabetes are winning over him and that He doesn't know Jesus the right way and doesn't want too.

The fear of losing Him, when He never stops and keeps going.

I live with a fear of getting a phone call one day about my father. 

There is so much fear in me. I know, I know I must lay it before the Lord. I do, I do. But then I pick it right back up.

I am falling apart inside. I am holding these fears and my pieces that have fallen and it keeps falling again cause my arms are so overflown.